The thought of one's life as it nears the end brings out a lot of emotions in people. All of which involve memories - good and bad. Some feelings may lie so deep they are unknown to even those who own them. I honestly believe that loss is one of the most difficult challenges we all must endure at some point in our life. It is inevitable. But yet, it is the one thing we never talk about. So why is it so hard for us? Why do we run the other way when it comes to emotions. Why do we wait until we cannot wait any longer to share just how much we appreciate our loved ones. We all know it is to come but we ignore it like a plague. In the end, it is these very emotions that we continue to hold onto - again both good and bad. I am only voicing my own opinions as we may have our individual feelings on this. For quite sometime now I have only briefly thought about when and if the time were ever to come. I then pushed those thoughts aside so that I wouldn't have to experience those feelings of sadness and pain. So, now that I'm having to think about these things, it bring a great deal of emotion. Our whole life we live everyday and ignore the feelings that are overwhelm us with the problems and issues that arise. However, this is one that I cannot ignore and it has taken a toll on me and my family.
Tonight my own mother and I exchanged awful words with one another due to the stresses of this situation. She has told me she never wants to see me again (in front of her own grandchildren) and to get out of her life. I'm not quite sure what sort of deep feelings can make a person so hurtful to her own daughter. But, I can imagine she is dealing with her own unwanted emotions regarding Dad. I cannot tell you just how awful that feels on top of experiencing the emotion than I already am currently dealing with. For that reason, her wish has been granted. For those of you who would like to communicate with her directly feel free. I will no longer be that liasion as enough is enough and I have my own family now to worry about. However, I believe that just as I am not fond of all of these hurtful emotions, it is her own unwanted feelings surrounding my father that overwhelm her. She is running from emotions because she is unable to deal and in turn would rather aim her anger in someone else's direction. In any case, the hurt is unbearable and at this time I wish more than anything to have Dad's words of wisdom. I can only hope that God will hear my prayers and guide me through this time in my life.
During the visit I had tonight with Dad he told me that there was nothing more he wanted than to just hear my voice and that made him happy. Of course two seconds later he asked me to rub his feet - LOL! We listened to music of Kenny G and Stan Kenton and he ate a few bites of mashed potatoes and gravy. One feeling I cannot ignore is just how much I love Dad. I make sure to tell him many times during my visits so he is aware. If there is ever a time, now is as good as any to deal with these emotions.