Monday, June 7, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Shooting
During my daily visits to see Dad he seems to obsess about certain things that come to his mind and whatever it is, it seems to stay with him. For a long time his question was "Where are we again?" or "But, I'm in Courtyard right?" Over and over he asks these questions to me and everyone else. He still does ask that but not as often as when he first started. So the most recent obsession is shooting. I don't know where it came from but for some reason he has this silly idea that someone is going to shoot him. It's very odd because we never spoke about that but in any case I think it mostly has to do with his fear and anxiety probably from the Dementia. Another recent obsession is that his roommate Henry is going to hurt him and every time Henry speaks he says "It's that son of a B**** that makes me scared. Just the sound of his voice makes me nervous." Mind you, Henry stays very content and keeps to himself for the most part. He will speak to you but doesn't bother much. So back to the shooting - it's pretty funny and now I joke with him about it because he keeps bringing it up. He'll say "So when are they gonna start shooting?" My response before was "Come on Dad, don't worry no one is going to shoot here." But now when he asks, I tell him very seriously that he is in luck because they started shooting at A and now they are at H but then went home for the day. So, since his last name starts with a P he has a while til they get here. Or I will kid with him and say, oh I heard the latest update was that they changed the policy and now they are giving out new "do-it-yourself" ropes! He laughs pretty hard when I respond like that. Another comment he's been repeating is telling me to bring 5 pies tomorrow when I tell him we ran out of the chocolate pie. Tonight when I got there Dad had received a nice gift from Teri that is a photo in a picture frame and a story behind it which I read to him and he was so happy! It was very sweet of Teri and Dad loves that kind of stuff!
Monday, April 19, 2010
A good visit followed by a fall
So just a recent update on Dad. Last night at 3am he oddly tried to get up and go for a walk and fell out of bed. The nurses called me at 6am during the shift change to let me know. It's been reported that he only has a few bruises but they are keeping a close eye on him.
On one hand, I was very scared when I got the call. On the other hand, I'm actually quite impressed that he is actually motivated enough to try and get up at all. He hasn't been up at all out of his bed other than the hair cut he had when I last posted.
One thought is that yesterday was a very good day for Dad. He had a wonderful visit from Linda whom he has been asking about for over a month now almost everyday. Maybe he was so happy about the visit that he had that he thought he could get up like things were back to normal? Just a thought.
A while back Dad started asking about Linda who is an old romantic friend of his way back in 1997. I'm not quite sure how long they were off and on for but I know that she was around for awhile and he cared very deeply for her. She and Dad had even gone to England and was able to research a bit of our family history from Stroud. Apparently we had family members back there that had signed on to be an indentured servant. There was a furniture business that our family had back then. We tried asking Dad yesterday the details of this story and which side of our family was it and he said Pops. If anyone has the full story and details I'd love to hear them. After a few weeks of googling, I finally had found Linda online thankfully. Dad would speak of her but could not remember her last name. So, with diligence I was able to find her email address and connected with her thankfully.
Linda also brought a beautiful American flag that I was able to hang up on the wall for him and some pictures from way back when. Another great gift she brought to me were some old cabbage patch dolls that were mine when I was a child. Dad had given them to her for her grandchildren since we no longer needed them. She was there when dad got rid of all of our stuff when he had to move from the house we had in Oakley to Martinez, CA. I am happy to have these for my own daughter Mikayla.
During Linda's visit dad was very emotional and of course as always cried with almost every sentence he spoke. I think his fond memories are sometimes hurtful to him because he enjoys them but is also reminded that he could not create more like them in his condition.
As usual, he enjoyed a whopper jr. with cheese and two Hershey's chocolate pies. He told me to bring 5 pies today. One thing I've noticed with dad is that not only is he becoming more aware again and remembering things, but he also can talk much better on the phone. He has actually had the nurses call me twice in the last week. Both were early in the morning.
When I speak with the nurses, they tell me that he pushes the caller button every 5 minutes to ask if I am there or if I'm on my way so finally they ask him if he wants to call me. It's very sweet when he calls and unexpected. The conversation ususally goes like this:
Dad: Hi! -pause- Are you on your way Mel?
Me: Oh hi, Dad! (expecting the nurses and surprised to hear dad on the line) No, I'm at work but I'll see you tonight around dinner time.
Dad: -pause- Where do you work again?
Me: Bertram Capital
Dad: -pause- And where am I at again?
Me: Courtyard
Dad: - pause - oh yes, courtyard. - pause - so you'll bring me a burger?
Me: Yes, dad I will.
Dad: ok, see you then.
Me: Ok dad, I love you.
Dad: Love you too.
Me: Bye
Dad: -pause- bye.
Last night I had stopped by again later on because I had made extra copies of his photos from Linda. When I came back, he was talking to Marty so I said hello. He seemed to be talking a lot, it was very nice to see him interactive. All of these small things are such an improvement since his last visit to the hospital. I'm hopeful that with the daily visits, he will continue to improve.
-Mel
On one hand, I was very scared when I got the call. On the other hand, I'm actually quite impressed that he is actually motivated enough to try and get up at all. He hasn't been up at all out of his bed other than the hair cut he had when I last posted.
One thought is that yesterday was a very good day for Dad. He had a wonderful visit from Linda whom he has been asking about for over a month now almost everyday. Maybe he was so happy about the visit that he had that he thought he could get up like things were back to normal? Just a thought.
A while back Dad started asking about Linda who is an old romantic friend of his way back in 1997. I'm not quite sure how long they were off and on for but I know that she was around for awhile and he cared very deeply for her. She and Dad had even gone to England and was able to research a bit of our family history from Stroud. Apparently we had family members back there that had signed on to be an indentured servant. There was a furniture business that our family had back then. We tried asking Dad yesterday the details of this story and which side of our family was it and he said Pops. If anyone has the full story and details I'd love to hear them. After a few weeks of googling, I finally had found Linda online thankfully. Dad would speak of her but could not remember her last name. So, with diligence I was able to find her email address and connected with her thankfully.
Linda also brought a beautiful American flag that I was able to hang up on the wall for him and some pictures from way back when. Another great gift she brought to me were some old cabbage patch dolls that were mine when I was a child. Dad had given them to her for her grandchildren since we no longer needed them. She was there when dad got rid of all of our stuff when he had to move from the house we had in Oakley to Martinez, CA. I am happy to have these for my own daughter Mikayla.
During Linda's visit dad was very emotional and of course as always cried with almost every sentence he spoke. I think his fond memories are sometimes hurtful to him because he enjoys them but is also reminded that he could not create more like them in his condition.
As usual, he enjoyed a whopper jr. with cheese and two Hershey's chocolate pies. He told me to bring 5 pies today. One thing I've noticed with dad is that not only is he becoming more aware again and remembering things, but he also can talk much better on the phone. He has actually had the nurses call me twice in the last week. Both were early in the morning.
When I speak with the nurses, they tell me that he pushes the caller button every 5 minutes to ask if I am there or if I'm on my way so finally they ask him if he wants to call me. It's very sweet when he calls and unexpected. The conversation ususally goes like this:
Dad: Hi! -pause- Are you on your way Mel?
Me: Oh hi, Dad! (expecting the nurses and surprised to hear dad on the line) No, I'm at work but I'll see you tonight around dinner time.
Dad: -pause- Where do you work again?
Me: Bertram Capital
Dad: -pause- And where am I at again?
Me: Courtyard
Dad: - pause - oh yes, courtyard. - pause - so you'll bring me a burger?
Me: Yes, dad I will.
Dad: ok, see you then.
Me: Ok dad, I love you.
Dad: Love you too.
Me: Bye
Dad: -pause- bye.
Last night I had stopped by again later on because I had made extra copies of his photos from Linda. When I came back, he was talking to Marty so I said hello. He seemed to be talking a lot, it was very nice to see him interactive. All of these small things are such an improvement since his last visit to the hospital. I'm hopeful that with the daily visits, he will continue to improve.
-Mel
Thursday, March 25, 2010
A Haircut!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
A Cheeseburger?!
The last few days Dad has been a little more cooperative with the nurses. Although he is still refusing to eat or be bathed! He did request a manicure so we'll see if they followed through with that tonight.
So, yesterday Hospice called and said he had a funny request - he wanted a Cheeseburger! Well, for those of us who know Dad we all know he loves Cheeseburgers and all the comfort foods along with many sweets. However, I take this as a sign of him feeling a bit better. Who knows, it could be a result of the meds that he takes finally kicking in. For awhile he wouldn't be consistent on taking the meds so maybe it is now. He still refuses a lot but at least the yelling outbursts have subsided. When I brought the Cheeseburger over last night he ate the WHOLE THING! I was very impressed by him and happy to see he was feeling well enough to want anything. He had not eaten anything all day. The recent requests for music (which I play every night for him) are of Stan Kenton "Intermission Riff", "Send in the Clowns", "Eager Beaver", Barbara Streisand, Bette Midler "Wind Beneath My Wings", Nat King Cole and Natalie Cole, Kenny G and the song "I Am A Child of God". We play these over and over while I rub his feet.
Tonight I will bring a cheeseburger and HERSHEY'S Sundae Pie from Burger King. After all their their motto is "Have it your way!". Whatever Dad wants I try my best to give him. It's not much - just music, good food, and a foot rub. I mean really what more can we ask for? That's what makes him happy!
So, yesterday Hospice called and said he had a funny request - he wanted a Cheeseburger! Well, for those of us who know Dad we all know he loves Cheeseburgers and all the comfort foods along with many sweets. However, I take this as a sign of him feeling a bit better. Who knows, it could be a result of the meds that he takes finally kicking in. For awhile he wouldn't be consistent on taking the meds so maybe it is now. He still refuses a lot but at least the yelling outbursts have subsided. When I brought the Cheeseburger over last night he ate the WHOLE THING! I was very impressed by him and happy to see he was feeling well enough to want anything. He had not eaten anything all day. The recent requests for music (which I play every night for him) are of Stan Kenton "Intermission Riff", "Send in the Clowns", "Eager Beaver", Barbara Streisand, Bette Midler "Wind Beneath My Wings", Nat King Cole and Natalie Cole, Kenny G and the song "I Am A Child of God". We play these over and over while I rub his feet.
Tonight I will bring a cheeseburger and HERSHEY'S Sundae Pie from Burger King. After all their their motto is "Have it your way!". Whatever Dad wants I try my best to give him. It's not much - just music, good food, and a foot rub. I mean really what more can we ask for? That's what makes him happy!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Dealing with Emotions
The thought of one's life as it nears the end brings out a lot of emotions in people. All of which involve memories - good and bad. Some feelings may lie so deep they are unknown to even those who own them. I honestly believe that loss is one of the most difficult challenges we all must endure at some point in our life. It is inevitable. But yet, it is the one thing we never talk about. So why is it so hard for us? Why do we run the other way when it comes to emotions. Why do we wait until we cannot wait any longer to share just how much we appreciate our loved ones. We all know it is to come but we ignore it like a plague. In the end, it is these very emotions that we continue to hold onto - again both good and bad. I am only voicing my own opinions as we may have our individual feelings on this. For quite sometime now I have only briefly thought about when and if the time were ever to come. I then pushed those thoughts aside so that I wouldn't have to experience those feelings of sadness and pain. So, now that I'm having to think about these things, it bring a great deal of emotion. Our whole life we live everyday and ignore the feelings that are overwhelm us with the problems and issues that arise. However, this is one that I cannot ignore and it has taken a toll on me and my family.
Tonight my own mother and I exchanged awful words with one another due to the stresses of this situation. She has told me she never wants to see me again (in front of her own grandchildren) and to get out of her life. I'm not quite sure what sort of deep feelings can make a person so hurtful to her own daughter. But, I can imagine she is dealing with her own unwanted emotions regarding Dad. I cannot tell you just how awful that feels on top of experiencing the emotion than I already am currently dealing with. For that reason, her wish has been granted. For those of you who would like to communicate with her directly feel free. I will no longer be that liasion as enough is enough and I have my own family now to worry about. However, I believe that just as I am not fond of all of these hurtful emotions, it is her own unwanted feelings surrounding my father that overwhelm her. She is running from emotions because she is unable to deal and in turn would rather aim her anger in someone else's direction. In any case, the hurt is unbearable and at this time I wish more than anything to have Dad's words of wisdom. I can only hope that God will hear my prayers and guide me through this time in my life.
During the visit I had tonight with Dad he told me that there was nothing more he wanted than to just hear my voice and that made him happy. Of course two seconds later he asked me to rub his feet - LOL! We listened to music of Kenny G and Stan Kenton and he ate a few bites of mashed potatoes and gravy. One feeling I cannot ignore is just how much I love Dad. I make sure to tell him many times during my visits so he is aware. If there is ever a time, now is as good as any to deal with these emotions.
Tonight my own mother and I exchanged awful words with one another due to the stresses of this situation. She has told me she never wants to see me again (in front of her own grandchildren) and to get out of her life. I'm not quite sure what sort of deep feelings can make a person so hurtful to her own daughter. But, I can imagine she is dealing with her own unwanted emotions regarding Dad. I cannot tell you just how awful that feels on top of experiencing the emotion than I already am currently dealing with. For that reason, her wish has been granted. For those of you who would like to communicate with her directly feel free. I will no longer be that liasion as enough is enough and I have my own family now to worry about. However, I believe that just as I am not fond of all of these hurtful emotions, it is her own unwanted feelings surrounding my father that overwhelm her. She is running from emotions because she is unable to deal and in turn would rather aim her anger in someone else's direction. In any case, the hurt is unbearable and at this time I wish more than anything to have Dad's words of wisdom. I can only hope that God will hear my prayers and guide me through this time in my life.
During the visit I had tonight with Dad he told me that there was nothing more he wanted than to just hear my voice and that made him happy. Of course two seconds later he asked me to rub his feet - LOL! We listened to music of Kenny G and Stan Kenton and he ate a few bites of mashed potatoes and gravy. One feeling I cannot ignore is just how much I love Dad. I make sure to tell him many times during my visits so he is aware. If there is ever a time, now is as good as any to deal with these emotions.
A Very Difficult Subject
This is probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life. Dad means the world to me and I love him more than words are able to express. I can't even type without becoming emotional of the very thought of what this blog is for. I am creating this blog in order to have a place where you can not only share thoughts but also to help coordinate efforts from our whole family in order to prepare and honor our father in best way we can come when that time comes. We can track our efforts with a site I have subscribed to called Donationstracker.com so that everyone can see the progress we have made and are all on the same page. I do not have a lot of time to monitor this but it is important so I will do my best.
I am hoping we have much more time to spend with Dad so that we all can laugh and smile with him before that day comes. I am with him everyday and if there are any requests or letters, messages or photos you'd like me to bring then I will do my best to bring those to him. Please feel free to email me anytime at melaniealvarez@gmail.com.
I know that Dad is not happy and definitely not in the best shape. And for this reason I just hope that as each day passes, I pray to god that he knows and understands just how much we all love him. Just how much his life has meant to each and every one of us. In the end, we cannot ask for anything more than love from our family and friends to surround us. That is what we all want upon leaving this world behind. He thinks a lot of his family and mentions all of you often. I know that Nana, Pops, Bobbie and his dog Boss are all waiting for him with open arms when he is ready. He speaks of them often and usually sheds tears when their names are mentioned.
In brief research on plans for Dad I have realized the expenses for what is to come is almost $15,000. We will need to ship to Utah and there is currently a lot next to Bobbie in line with Nana & Pops. Larkin has run some costs with me and we can go over the minor details when it comes to specifics like colors, designs etc. If you have input please let me know. But, at a minimum no one will perform ANYTHING without $5,000 right up front. I do not have the means for this and I'm sure none of you do either. I do not even have the option of taking a loan on so large of a sum that makes it much more difficult for me to plan. If I did, I would probably consider taking that on as I feel this is important. It's a mute point since I cannot.
Each and everyone of us are going through financial hardships right now, I know. Myself included, financial worries are one of my own largest concerns these days with two small kids and a husband I support, past credit debt, school loans and medical bills to greet me daily. I barely make ends meet and pay my rent as it is. Lord knows this will be hard on all of us. Unfortunately, Dad did not leave us anything behind in preparation for the worst. Let this be a lesson to everyone for future planning so that your loved ones are not left behind to deal with such an unpleasant subject. As difficult as this is, we must all come together now in order to prepare for the worst and not have this fall on us in the last moment. Now, hopefully there is enough time in order to do this but you all must know that I do not think there is much time to spare.
Please help out and try to set maybe an amount you can contribute weekly so that we may at least move towards our goal. Even if we start off small, we can prepare as much as we can now. This is not limited to the immediate family. Anyone is welcome to contribute (i.e. grandchildren etc). Click on one of the links on the right hand side of the blog and it should take you there. If that doesn't work you may simply copy and paste the full link below into your URL address bar:
http://www.donationstracker.com/donate.php?v=1.1&donate=3b1598dab268f6d7cd73306def06a3f6&cid=704&vid=1258&uid=305
I will keep you updated as best I can. Please forward to anyone that I may have left out as I do not have everyone's email and not everyone is on Facebook.
I love you all!
Mel
I am hoping we have much more time to spend with Dad so that we all can laugh and smile with him before that day comes. I am with him everyday and if there are any requests or letters, messages or photos you'd like me to bring then I will do my best to bring those to him. Please feel free to email me anytime at melaniealvarez@gmail.com.
I know that Dad is not happy and definitely not in the best shape. And for this reason I just hope that as each day passes, I pray to god that he knows and understands just how much we all love him. Just how much his life has meant to each and every one of us. In the end, we cannot ask for anything more than love from our family and friends to surround us. That is what we all want upon leaving this world behind. He thinks a lot of his family and mentions all of you often. I know that Nana, Pops, Bobbie and his dog Boss are all waiting for him with open arms when he is ready. He speaks of them often and usually sheds tears when their names are mentioned.
In brief research on plans for Dad I have realized the expenses for what is to come is almost $15,000. We will need to ship to Utah and there is currently a lot next to Bobbie in line with Nana & Pops. Larkin has run some costs with me and we can go over the minor details when it comes to specifics like colors, designs etc. If you have input please let me know. But, at a minimum no one will perform ANYTHING without $5,000 right up front. I do not have the means for this and I'm sure none of you do either. I do not even have the option of taking a loan on so large of a sum that makes it much more difficult for me to plan. If I did, I would probably consider taking that on as I feel this is important. It's a mute point since I cannot.
Each and everyone of us are going through financial hardships right now, I know. Myself included, financial worries are one of my own largest concerns these days with two small kids and a husband I support, past credit debt, school loans and medical bills to greet me daily. I barely make ends meet and pay my rent as it is. Lord knows this will be hard on all of us. Unfortunately, Dad did not leave us anything behind in preparation for the worst. Let this be a lesson to everyone for future planning so that your loved ones are not left behind to deal with such an unpleasant subject. As difficult as this is, we must all come together now in order to prepare for the worst and not have this fall on us in the last moment. Now, hopefully there is enough time in order to do this but you all must know that I do not think there is much time to spare.
Please help out and try to set maybe an amount you can contribute weekly so that we may at least move towards our goal. Even if we start off small, we can prepare as much as we can now. This is not limited to the immediate family. Anyone is welcome to contribute (i.e. grandchildren etc). Click on one of the links on the right hand side of the blog and it should take you there. If that doesn't work you may simply copy and paste the full link below into your URL address bar:
http://www.donationstracker.com/donate.php?v=1.1&donate=3b1598dab268f6d7cd73306def06a3f6&cid=704&vid=1258&uid=305
I will keep you updated as best I can. Please forward to anyone that I may have left out as I do not have everyone's email and not everyone is on Facebook.
I love you all!
Mel
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